Indigo’s Home Birth

At 29 years old, I had plans to travel and live freely for the next few years. I met Kyle years earlier; at the Muay Thai gym where we both trained and we became friends. As time went on, we fell so in love. We trained together, camped together, and took trips whenever we could.   We were crazy in love and loved just being together.  We had no plans to settle down. Our lives turned in a different direction on day in June when I took a pregnancy test. Kyle said he already had a feeling I was pregnant and he was right. I was terrified, Kyle was nervous, but he knew this was meant to be. There were so many changes we needed to make, starting with moving out of the small studio I lived in 10 feet from the sand in Sunset Beach. I moved into the studio because it was going to be “my place” where I would have freedom and walk on the sand everyday. The idea of leaving this place and settling down scared me.  Although I was terrified, I finally let the idea of this new life sink in.

Time passed and I reached out to April, who I knew had two home births.  I always knew that if I ever had a baby this was the way I would do it. She put me in touch with my midwife, Lindsey, and also agreed to be my doula. I had the most amazing women on my birth team. I couldn’t imagine anyone better.  As the pregnancy progressed I felt more and more connected to this soul living inside me.  More than living inside me, we were connected, growing together, and our lives would forever be intertwined.

Fast forward to Wednesday, March 18, 2015. I woke up that morning to pee and I had a bloody show. I was so glad to finally have some REAL evidence that labor was starting. I had been at 4 cm dilated for what seemed like forever and kept having waves that would go away when I went to sleep. I woke up Kyle and said, “We are going to have a baby today!” He smiled and I ran to get him the gift I had been waiting to give him on this day. I gave him a small coyote figurine made of Tiger’s Eye, which was symbolic because his deceased father called him coyote and Tiger’s eye symbolizes strength and protection. We just spent some time together and talked about the new little soul that was about to join us.

As the day went on I had some small gushes of fluid. Turns out it was a leak in my bag of waters. I also had contractions, but nothing too strong.  I notified my birth team and they told me to eat a good meal and get some rest.  I went to bed that night surprised that nothing else had happened.

At midnight I woke up to pressure waves that I couldn’t ignore.  I tried to go back to sleep and staying in bed for three more hours.  I was breathing through them and realized that lying down was really uncomfortable.  I left Kyle in bed and made my way to the couch.  It was dark and quiet in the house.  There was something beautiful about being alone in the living room and feeling my body begin to work.

At 5:30 am April arrived at my house.  I was so glad to see her.  Kyle made eggs and I ate a full meal knowing that I would need the nourishment.  At this point I remember thinking how wrong I had been.  Throughout the pregnancy I had visions of giving birth at night.  I was in labor early in the morning and there was no way this baby would be here after dark.  I worked through waves sitting on a yoga ball.  April suggested we go for a walk to really get things moving.  It was beautiful outside and she was right, a walk brought on the waves.  Each time I had a wave I squatted down or held onto April.

By 9:30 am Lindsey (midwife) and Melanie (assistant midwife) came by to check on me.  They decided to go get breakfast so I didn’t feel “watched”.  Shortly after they left my waves started to pick up.  April texted them to update them and they returned around noon.  The tub was set up and I got in by 12:30.  It felt SO amazing and my waves stopped.  I whispered to April and Kyle to tell them, so Lindsey wouldn’t make me get out.  She overheard and laughed, “Give it a few minutes”.  She was right, they started back up again.

I don’t know how much time passed, but when Lindsey checked me I think I was at 7 cm and she could feel my bag of waters bulging.  I was disappointed, I thought that by now I would be further along.  She asked me if I wanted her to break the bag so that it would kick things up.  I was indecisive.  I was terrified.  How hard would this be?  I didn’t want my waves to get stronger.  As I wrestled with the decision, it was made for me.  Everyone jumped when my water broke on Lindsey’s hand.  I remember thinking, “Oh shit! Here we go”.

I got back in the tub and Kyle went in with me.  He sat behind me, holding me up.  I spent the next hours laboring in his arms, while April held my hand.  As the waves got stronger, I begin to let out low, deep moans.  I didn’t sound like myself.  This was something else.  Someone inside me I didn’t know existed.  She was strong, powerful and connected to something out of this world.  When I let go and stopped trying to control, I was somewhere else.  I’ve heard other women call it “labor land”.  I felt like I could feel a whole other dimension.  I was surrounded by women who had birthed before.  All their spirits were around me, holding me.  It was amazing.  I rode one wave after another and while they were intense, I was strong and it was ok.

I don’t know what shifted, but at one point I lost this connection.  I started to worry about what was taking so long.  I hadn’t seen a clock since 12:30 and now I noticed it was getting dark outside.  How could this be taking so long?  Was this normal?  Could I do this?  I couldn’t really speak more than a word or two.  I called for Lindsey, I wanted her to check me.  I was 9 cm and had a lip on my cervix that wouldn’t open up.  More time passed.  Still no change.  Kyle asked if there was anything we could do to help me make some progress.  Lindsey wanted to get me out of the tub.  I was so mad that he suggested this!  I said I didn’t want to get up and they made me get out of the tub.  I tried to walk to the bed quickly between waves, but another one came on and a dropped to the floor.  When I finally made it to the bed they had me get on all fours and started to shake my hips back and forth really fast.  It was so uncomfortable.  I couldn’t stand it.  Then they had Kyle sit in a chair and hold me up while I squatted through some contractions.

Finally they let me back in the tub and checked me again.  I was still stuck at 9cm.  I was still stuck in my head.  My thoughts were racing.  I wanted it to stop.  Lindsey knew I was stuck in my head and I think she was wondering if this was why I wasn’t progressing.  She asked me what I was afraid of.  Was I afraid of being a mom?  Of course I was!  And I was afraid that I would be in labor forever.  I remember thinking, “I’m going to die and I’m ok with it”.  Maybe this was me shedding my skin, letting go of the old me, and becoming ready for the birth of the new momma version of me.  Lindsey said, “No more numbers. No more checking you. Trust your body.  Do not push until you absolutely have to.” and she left me to labor some more.

More time passed and I felt the urge to push.  This was a whole new sensation.  I had to learn how to push.  After awhile I realized that I had to wait until the peak of the wave to push.  When each wave ended my muscles felt stuck and contracted.  I needed them to release and give me a few seconds of a break before the next one came.  I remembered reading in an Ina May Gaskin book, that blowing raspberries would open things up.  I started blowing raspberries and it worked.  I pushed for what I think was a couple of hours and again they got me out of the tub.  They had me squat again and try to push the baby down.  When they checked for the baby’s heart rate it was dropping every time I pushed.  Lindsey suddenly was very serious and concerned.  This worried me because I had never seen her this way before. She said, “I don’t like that.  We need to get this baby out right now.  You need to give me all you have.”  She had me lie down on my left side.  The baby’s heart rate came back up, but it kept dropping with each push.  I kept hearing, “Push harder. Push all the way down through your bottom.”  I felt like I was going to split in half.  “You aren’t pushing hard enough.  Feel my hand?  Push all the way down to here.”  Lindsey was serious and I didn’t think I could push any harder.  But I did. “We see her hair!”  Kyle had been down by my feet and suddenly decided to come back up behind my head.  I pushed again as hard as I could and her head pushed out.  After that the rest of her came out with two more pushes.  Lindsey placed her on my chest and what followed was the most extreme rush of oxytocin I have ever felt.  I thought I would pass out from the tingling.  Indigo was here.  She looked up at me and in that moment, all I could say was, “And to think… I thought you were an accident.”  Everyone celebrated.  I lay there, Kyle kissed me.  We stared at her as she lay on my stomach.  Her cord was too short to reach my chest.  There as no rush.  Everyone waited while my body released the placenta, which took another hour and Indigo nursed for the first time.  She knew exactly what to do.

After the placenta was born Kyle held Indigo and the placenta still attached while they stitched me up.  Then it was time to weigh her.  She was a whooping 9 pounds 13 ounces.  A big healthy, beautiful baby girl.  She was serene and her strong spirit could already be felt.

On that day a part of me died… and the new me was born.  I had been so worried about when she would come.  I should’ve known she would pick such a special day.  It was the spring solstice, solar eclipse and the sun and moon were in pisces.  A special day for a special soul.